Hi everyone! I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. Been swamped with nothing and too much all at once. Today I write to you from the hipster/lazy boy setting of a Starbucks. Ha, a writer writing at a coffee shop, what a novel idea!! -Note undertones of sarcasm ooze from my fingertips and onto the keys
Today I am writing about Me. Okay, when have I not written about Me? Today I write a little more seriously about Me; delving into the secrets behind my maybe missed disappearance from the lives of many and the plights that I have faced as well as my more recent successes.
Some of you may have noticed a lack of Ale in your lives, or maybe not, either way for quite some time I have been drowning in sorrow. And for those of you that have noticed a slight absence, let me be the first to say Sorry and I miss YOU!
I haven’t been living under a rock, but I have been lingering in the shadows. Why you ask? Embarrassment and Shame! Don’t worry, I haven’t killed anybody or said something mean about my friends that keeps me in hiding. It’s quite the opposite actually. Here it comes, and the awful truth – I-I-I-I (imagine me stuttering) have not graduated yet (I am still an undergrad in limbo). Whew! Finally I got that off my chest!!!!
Okay. So maybe that wasn’t too bad of an admission. But believe me, it had been plaguing me for some time. And I am now just coming to terms with it. Let me give you the 411 on the subject.
At the end of Spring 2008 I was disqualified from school because I had fallen into a cave of depression. I lost my way and lost sight of my priorities. I ended up putting all I had into everything but my studies and before I knew it, I was occasionally thinking of “a way out” of my problems and life (definitely a low point) and then I flunked out of school.
Now, sometimes I look back and ask myself how did I get here? Well, here is a small snippet of the journey that is my life.
Finishing high school in 2003 (wow, so long ago) I left trying to stamp out my passion for writing and entered university (CSUN) embracing my new obsession, Philosophy. I took one class in high school and all of a sudden I was married to it. Well, that turned out to be just a fling. A fling that lasted longer than it should have and I regretted deeply because I began to earn mediocre grades and really just not giving school my all. Sitting in class one day, I was struck with an epiphany; that I needed to feel passionate about my major the way the dude next to me was about philosophy. I had no idea what he was talking about but the way he practically spit all over the class with his enthusiasm for his major, I knew that that was what I needed in order to be happy too.
So I set off on a crusade to find the right major. Along the way I fell into different classes that made me happy.
I briefly considered my childhood dream of being a pediatrician but then I remembered that I hated math and science and I fear when people vomit – and kids vomit all the time especially at the doctor’s office. So that was a NO.
Sociology made me think and I loved my interviewing the homeless project but when it came down to it, I knew I was never going to pass statistics nor was I even going to try. So, that too was a NO.
Next came Psychology which was fun in a class setting however when I tried making a difference early on via the CSUN helpline I ended up realizing that I was too vulnerable and fragile to help others (I would be the type to bring my work home with me – and I wouldn’t handle it well). So that was a bust.
Next came Political Science. I got an A in one Poli Sci class and all of a sudden I had declared it as my major. I was going to be a politician. HA!!! What a delusional girl I was. I later realized that I don’t really care about politics (its important but its not my cup of tea and it’s not on my radar).
Now realize that all the time that I was busy trying any and every class I was still taking English classes and loving them. Finally I realized what I should have known the whole time – I was meant to be a writer; my major needed to be English Creative Writing. However by the time this fact registered and I was ready to make a change it was too late and I was slapped in the face by reality – I was flunking out of school ;( I was in quicksand and had no way out.
So in order to get back into CSUN I needed to attend a community college (LAVC), get good grades and prove to CSUN that I could come back. Only problem was that I hadn’t taken the time to take care of me and the ever-present depression, so I as expected did just as bad at LAVC.
It occurred to me to finally get help and I made progress. Beautiful progress. I can officially and honestly say that I am no longer depressed and can actually see and taste the future and all that I will eventually accomplish.
However, before I knew it, spring 2011 was upon me and still I had not returned to CSUN to finish my degree. So this past fall 2011 semester I got my as* in gear and worked the hardest I have ever done and passed with 3 A’s and one C at LAVC.
With this I applied to CSUN once more and I have been accepted back!!!!! I start this summer (in a couple of weeks, yay!) I ended up doing so well at LAVC that I even made it onto the Deans Scholar List! Wow, who would have seen that coming!!!
In addition to this I even managed to get two short stories of mine published fueling the fire within me to finish my undergrad and then go fourth to earn my MFA in creative writing.
So why did I just share this with you all? I don’t really know – I just needed honesty and I wanted to boast about the fact that I am back!!! Now, I know that this wasn’t the ideal journey – most of my friends graduated years ago – but this was just the way it was supposed to be for me. I am a stronger woman because of it all and I have definitely learned from my mistakes. I now go back to CSUN smarter and with more “life experience” I don’t need to wipe the slate clean because all that’s happened has made me who I am today.
So look for me this summer and fall at the CSUN campus, I’ll be the one studying and enjoying life. Graduation is this much closer and I know I can get there.