Hi everyone! I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. Been swamped with nothing and too much all at once. Today I write to you from the hipster/lazy boy setting of a Starbucks. Ha, a writer writing at a coffee shop, what a novel idea!! -Note undertones of sarcasm ooze from my fingertips and onto the keys ;)
Today I am writing about Me. Okay, when have I not written about Me? Today I write a little more seriously about Me; delving into the secrets behind my maybe missed disappearance from the lives of many and the plights that I have faced as well as my more recent successes.
Some of you may have noticed a lack of Ale in your lives, or maybe not, either way for quite some time I have been drowning in sorrow. And for those of you that have noticed a slight absence, let me be the first to say Sorry and I miss YOU!
I haven’t been living under a rock, but I have been lingering in the shadows. Why you ask? Embarrassment and Shame! Don’t worry, I haven’t killed anybody or said something mean about my friends that keeps me in hiding. It’s quite the opposite actually. Here it comes, and the awful truth – I-I-I-I (imagine me stuttering) have not graduated yet (I am still an undergrad in limbo). Whew! Finally I got that off my chest!!!!
Okay. So maybe that wasn’t too bad of an admission. But believe me, it had been plaguing me for some time. And I am now just coming to terms with it. Let me give you the 411 on the subject.
At the end of Spring 2008 I was disqualified from school because I had fallen into a cave of depression. I lost my way and lost sight of my priorities. I ended up putting all I had into everything but my studies and before I knew it, I was occasionally thinking of “a way out” of my problems and life (definitely a low point) and then I flunked out of school.
Now, sometimes I look back and ask myself how did I get here? Well, here is a small snippet of the journey that is my life.
Finishing high school in 2003 (wow, so long ago) I left trying to stamp out my passion for writing and entered university (CSUN) embracing my new obsession, Philosophy. I took one class in high school and all of a sudden I was married to it. Well, that turned out to be just a fling. A fling that lasted longer than it should have and I regretted deeply because I began to earn mediocre grades and really just not giving school my all. Sitting in class one day, I was struck with an epiphany; that I needed to feel passionate about my major the way the dude next to me was about philosophy. I had no idea what he was talking about but the way he practically spit all over the class with his enthusiasm for his major, I knew that that was what I needed in order to be happy too.
So I set off on a crusade to find the right major. Along the way I fell into different classes that made me happy.
I briefly considered my childhood dream of being a pediatrician but then I remembered that I hated math and science and I fear when people vomit – and kids vomit all the time especially at the doctor’s office. So that was a NO.
Sociology made me think and I loved my interviewing the homeless project but when it came down to it, I knew I was never going to pass statistics nor was I even going to try. So, that too was a NO.
Next came Psychology which was fun in a class setting however when I tried making a difference early on via the CSUN helpline I ended up realizing that I was too vulnerable and fragile to help others (I would be the type to bring my work home with me – and I wouldn’t handle it well). So that was a bust.
Next came Political Science. I got an A in one Poli Sci class and all of a sudden I had declared it as my major. I was going to be a politician. HA!!! What a delusional girl I was. I later realized that I don’t really care about politics (its important but its not my cup of tea and it’s not on my radar).
Now realize that all the time that I was busy trying any and every class I was still taking English classes and loving them. Finally I realized what I should have known the whole time – I was meant to be a writer; my major needed to be English Creative Writing. However by the time this fact registered and I was ready to make a change it was too late and I was slapped in the face by reality – I was flunking out of school ;( I was in quicksand and had no way out. :(
So in order to get back into CSUN I needed to attend a community college (LAVC), get good grades and prove to CSUN that I could come back. Only problem was that I hadn’t taken the time to take care of me and the ever-present depression, so I as expected did just as bad at LAVC.
It occurred to me to finally get help and I made progress. Beautiful progress. I can officially and honestly say that I am no longer depressed and can actually see and taste the future and all that I will eventually accomplish.
However, before I knew it, spring 2011 was upon me and still I had not returned to CSUN to finish my degree. So this past fall 2011 semester I got my as* in gear and worked the hardest I have ever done and passed with 3 A’s and one C at LAVC.
With this I applied to CSUN once more and I have been accepted back!!!!! I start this summer (in a couple of weeks, yay!) I ended up doing so well at LAVC that I even made it onto the Deans Scholar List! Wow, who would have seen that coming!!! :)
In addition to this I even managed to get two short stories of mine published :) fueling the fire within me to finish my undergrad and then go fourth to earn my MFA in creative writing.
So why did I just share this with you all? I don’t really know – I just needed honesty and I wanted to boast about the fact that I am back!!! Now, I know that this wasn’t the ideal journey – most of my friends graduated years ago – but this was just the way it was supposed to be for me. I am a stronger woman because of it all and I have definitely learned from my mistakes. I now go back to CSUN smarter and with more “life experience” I don’t need to wipe the slate clean because all that’s happened has made me who I am today.
So look for me this summer and fall at the CSUN campus, I’ll be the one studying and enjoying life. Graduation is this much closer and I know I can get there. :)